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Find what you love and let it kill you.—Charles Bukowski
4

dabacahin:

I go inside and shut the window.
The lamp is brought and I’m told good night.
And my voice contentedly says good night.
May this be my life, now and always:
The day bright with sunshine, or gentle with rain,
Or stormy as if the world were ending,
The evening gentle and my eyes attentive
To the people passing by my window,
With my last friendly gaze going to the peaceful trees,
And then, window shut and the lamp lit,
Without reading or sleeping and thinking of nothing,
To feel life flowing through me like a river between its banks,
And outside a great silence like a god who is sleeping.

Fernando Pessoa, XLIX, from “The Keeper of Sheep,” in A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems (edited and translated by Richard Zenith)

11"

I want nothing else, only a hand,
a wounded hand, if possible.
I want nothing else, only a hand,
though I spend a thousand nights without a bed.

It would be a pale lily of lime,
a dove tethered fast to my heart.
It would be the guard who, on the night of my death,
would block entrance absolutely to the moon.

I want nothing else, only that hand,
for the daily unctions and my agony’s white sheet.
I want nothing else, only that hand,
to carry a wing of my own death.

Everything else all passes away.
Now blush without name. Perpetual star.
Everything else is something else: sad wind,
while the leaves flee, whirling in flocks.

" - Federico Garcia Lorca, "Qasida of the impossible Hand"
35"The tragedy of love is not death or separation.[…]The tragedy of love is indifference." - W. Somerset Maugham, from The Trembling of a Leaf

Breathless(1960) dir. by Jean-Luc Godard
4

-My heart shatters on the thought that there are beautiful souls as you in the world amid so much useless noise and din.

-Oh don’t be so sad, as long as there are equally beautiful souls like you for us to open our hearts to, we will survive. I believe that people like us try to find each other in this noise and din and try to build our own little world of quiet, which is what is in process now. And at the end of the day, when we have battled with all the world have chucked at us, we come back to this world to find solace.

-I can stay cocooned within those words for long. So much light on a dark night.
-heartwarming conversation with M— during a rainy night walk

10"He, who has never felt alone in the miles of longitude between desert towns. A man in a desert can hold absence in his cupped hands knowing it is something that feeds him more than water. There is a plant he knows near El Taj, whose heart, if one cuts it out, is replaced with a fluid containing herbal goodness. Every morning one can drink the liquid the amount of a missing heart. The plant continues to flourish for a year before it dies from some lack or other." - Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient (via rusticreveries)

Cassavetes on Cassavetes.
10

"I am like a train/ rushing for many years now/ between the city of Yes/ and the city of No."
-Yevgeny Yevtushenko


~Bloke Modisane
14"

a grin without a
face (a look
without an i)
be care

ful (touch noth
ing) or it’ll disapp
ear bangl

essly (into sweet
the earth) &
nobody
(including our

selves)
will reme
mber
(for 1 frac
tion of
a mo
ment) where
what how

when
who why
which
(or anything)

" - e.e. cummings, from Complete Poems
17

"The poet, prone to exaggerate, thinks clearly under torture
-Adrienne Rich, from Char

3

Ordinary tales…[contd.]:

1.Protect yourself. Better to be alone than in a bad space.
2.
I’ve had two marriages. And I’m single now. Says something doesn’t it?
3.Butt or buttress? I know which I would choose.
4.Older colder bolder
5.You’re really kind of strange. You seem really confused. You’re envious and at the same time say we can never be lovers. You want to talk all the time and at the same time no phone calls. Isn’t it all a bit strange?
6.What due? For what? You haven’t done anything to deserve any kind of due.
7.Is that what this is all about? You want your name in a book?
If you want your name in my book, sorry but there’s a long line ahead of you.
8.It seems like you live online. You should get a real life. Sh h a waste to spend your life in front of a screen
9.So basically youve turned a complete circle since yesterday?
Make up your mind
An elaborate hoax.

10.That’s the truth. That I can believe. Everything else is just words
11.Wish I could hear it. Sounds like a fake laugh.
12.No you don’t. You don’t know me. How can you adore? This is exactly why I don’t believe anything you say.
13.I think I like the idea of you panting for my breath.
Sounds like a kiss to me
14.When I was younger I didn’t know how to be patient. I was in a hurry to come. I’m embarrassed when I think of what a bad lover I must have been
15.We’re not together how can we part?
16.Now I want to last a long time. I’m in no hurry. I want to take my time. Do everything. Taste everything.
17.Without physical closeness there’s nothing. Only words. Very easy to fake.
18.-so do you think love is impossible without intercourse?
-Not impossible but certainly insubstantial incomplete replaceable
19.I’ve been traveling all day. I have other work to do. It’s great that you have so much free time to but please understand I don’t.
20.it’s a beautiful town. i’m enjoying it. yup, still single and ready to mingle. enjoying being single too. yes, there are folks but no one serious. which is good, i’m happy to be single
21.[life is]sometimes dark sometimes fair
22.dont want luck, just want fun
23.who knows? who cares?
24.very important to do that, enjoy life i mean. i’ve got a girl staying with me but haven’t made love since she came, or since leaving india. can’t do it for some reason. what’s wrong with me doctor? am i turning into a nice guy?
25.a miss is always a miss, never a kiss. Well considering we’ve never kissed, strange to miss a kiss that wasn’t.

5

I’d love to read the book of you someday. In person. Turning each page very slowly.
Lingering on certain phrases. Enjoying the touch and smell of the paper. The case of your ink.
Taste not case

5

Ordinary tales of extraordinary madness:

1. Thanks. That’s very kind of you. Please don’t call me air.

I meant sir not air but I guess you figures it out
figured.
This phone…
2.To visit your pants?[well the realization that you meant parents dawns in now.]I still am humorous.
3.You’re pretty adorable yourself. Unless of course that isn’t you?
4.A most mysterious response. You probably could.
5.Get a job
A big job
6.So why torture yourself about it? Enjoy reading. Writing is a pain.
7.Either you’re joking or very naive
8.Ok I guess it’s the latter. Nobody makes a million with a first book. And after the years of unpaid work I put into it even a million wont be enough.
9.I’m stalled at the moment. Been working for two years on the new one but it was in the wrong direction. The right one is in there somewhere.
10.Sorry. In the middle of something
I’m working on a book.
Yes. Occupied. Good night
How goes? All good?
11.Not finished at all. It’s ongoing. Do you have a number. Texting messages is no fun at all.
12.Sorry thought you were in india. Not to worry we can talk like this. All best from me.
13.Anytime. I really thought you were here in delhi. Silly of me.
14.Do you mean fiction or poetry? Yes I hope we meet too one of these months.
15.Sweet of you to say. Though you don’t know me as a person. I’m sorry I was curt. It occurred to me that I didn’t know anything about you and what if you were fake. I was being paranoid. It’s ok now.

By the way have you seen the great gatsby? It made me reread the book. Such a good book. Beautiful writing. And one of the best last sentences ever. Read it.
16.Nothing to envy. Having so much trouble with my new book it’s really depressing. Rewriting the entire thing. And deleting 40 000 words is depressing too.
17.How to Yearn. I could write that one easy.
18.Haha. That last line sounds very sexy.[“as much the long wait, so much the pleasure.”]
19.The longer the wait the sweeter the nectar. Sounds like tantric practices.
20.You’re a sweet woman
21.Ok. Dinner is here. Kisses and bye
22.Nope. Won’t see her till Sunday probably.
Went out for dinner. I usually heat it up myself. There’s a cook who comes in the morning. Sometimes I cook too.
23.Not right now. Taking a break. What’s up?
24.Went to a movie. The hangover. It wasn’t very good.
I’m wide open.
Inspiring works of art. In whichever field.
25.I’m in the middle of a heartbreak right now. But I’ll be ok.
I like your directness.
Just separation and changes.
Alright darling. I’m going to go do some work.
Bye
Not so, obviously.
Anyway never mind
Bye
26.I’m not looking for a partner at the moment.
Learning how to live alone again. It’s a very useful skill.
27.i’m beginning to enjoy it. it’s good to be single again after much of the opposite. and: some of us never settle down i suppose. blessing and curse at one and the same time
28.Slowly. Too slowly. Heading out for dinner in a bit. What bout you? I know nothing about you. What did you do today? How long have you and your boyfriend been together? How old are you?
29.Most one sided. Is that really you?
30.What do you work on?
31.That’s a long time.
Are you happy?
32.Ok. Now we’re equal. Thank you my dear. Chatty and reclusive is right up my street.
33.Anytime. I hope to always be that way.
34.Well same here. Lets take one together.
Cheers for beers
Going out with some folks
Yes. Tho I haven’t had one in ages.
35.Not for a while. Tho maybe to tonight. You never know.
Yeah I love the red
36.I have a lady who comes and cooks in the morning.
Very unplanned. The market is right here. I’m ten minutes away from resturants and bars. I wish you lived close by too.
37.Great translation. But shahid[agha shahid ali]’s own books of poems are even better.
38.Nice to not see you too
39.Not exhausting. Slow and frustrating.
40.Saul bellow humboldt’gift and many others including the bible
41.This one is stretching and stretching. Feels like its taking forever.
42.Time heals nothing. It’s a lie.
Yes. Always have.
Decades? Who cares. That’s forever.
Ten years is nothing when someone grieves
Always red and raw. Doesn’t heal.
That’s the smart thing to do. Not take relationships seriously. Sooner or later they end.
43.Some poets have written beautifully without knowing love. Or not real human sexual love.
I don’t have a metaphysical mind. It’s almost entirely physical.
44.Don’t believe you.
You don’t sound hollow. You sound full.
You are a lot of things. But not clueless.
Sweet. Curious. Calm. Rational. Direct. Seeking. Hot.
45.Or mine. Writing all day is lonely work.

7

“My mind is so restless I burn day and night—for what I can hardly tell—to be—to do—to suffer, I think.”
-Charlotte Brontë, "Shirley"
//
“I do my utmost to attain emptiness.”
-Lao Tzu
//
“The cure for loneliness is solitude.”
-Marianne Moore, "If I Were Sixteen Today"

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